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Sunday, April 6th, 2008
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4:42 pm - sunny days with cloudy skies
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I'm thinking so many things. I thought I'd anser this for 2007 as a record for myself while I'm thinking. Very difficult to do in April of the next year. I've forgotten so much of last year. Only the really bad things seem to be left in my mind.
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?:
Lived in Africa, found utopia, had a girlfriend, climbed mountains, discovered raving, been robbed, went snorkalling, pierced someone's ear. earthquakes.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
No, probably not entirely. I make the same ones every year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
my first ever boyfriend's wife-->Thomas Gabriel and my aunt Xanthe -->Amaris Tegwen Roswitha Messenger
4. Did anyone close to you die?:
No. But I went to the funeral of my cadaver
5. What countries did you visit?:
Italy, Qatar, Tanzania, Scotland
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?:
Self control, someone to love, success
7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
Saying bye to Ben in June--secretly painful, Eights head night--my betrayal, 21st June--party on the beach and paranoia. Parties: Demo nights with Ben, Raves with Nico, Colobus evenings, Via via, Social and Rescued: being slunted, Zanzibar parties and rich boy's mansions.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
Climbing Meru
9. What was your biggest failure?:
Not telling Ben how I felt..again, betraying my best friend, lots of cummulative ones really. Not my best year.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
Asthma attacks in Jan, general african illnesses.
11. What was the best thing you bought?:
No idea.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?:
Flo's. Advice central.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?:
Mine
14. Where did most of your money go?:
Food, alcohol, clothes, travel, safari trip, Kichu Cha Elimu Meserani,
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
Zanzibar
16. What songs will always remind you of 2007?:
Ganja farmer, general drum n bass and dubstep,
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i) ...happier or sadder?: happier
ii) thinner or fatter?: fatter
iii) richer or poorer?: always getting poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
Relaxed, chilled out max, been true to myself, talked to girls,
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
Sharking, getting drunk
20. How did you spend Christmas?:
With family: grandparents, Whites?, Maria and Selena,
22. Did you fall in love in 2006?:
I fell in lust on almost a weekly basis. But Nico, John and Lisa were special to me.
23. What were your favourite TV programs?:
L word
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
I think I life more people
25. What was the best book you read?:
Reading Salman Rushdie on the beach in Zanzibar and having awkward conversation with lots of hand gestures with a muslim man who walked past.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
Dubstep, DnB, that anything can be danced to. Mad Caddies on my ipod just when I need them.
27. What did you want and get?:
Good times, good marks in my exams,
28. What did you want and not get?:
Boyfriend: had a girlfriend instead
29. What was your favourite film of the year?:
Pan's Labyrinth
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
21st. Had various celebrations, best one was in Sheringham with blankets and candles in the garden, Ben being there, joints on the beach and good times. Birthday: Chatsworth, pearls, Paul on form. Day after: Boys together, debauchery at Mikes.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
Not living in fear.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?:
More colourful, more hippy and alot of wearing skirts over trousers.
33. What kept you sane?:
My girls. Realism.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
??
35. What political issue stirred you the most?:
I'm sure something did.
36. Who did you miss?:
John, Ben,
37. Who was the best new person you met?:
Nico, Olestony, Tinga, Leuishe
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Be honest, dress as yourself and things will work out right in the end.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Tomorrow never comes until its too late (Six Days- DJ Shadow)
40. What was your favourite moment of the year?
Waking up in 222, Sunrise in Paje,
41. What was your least favourite moment of the year?
Day after eight's head.
42. Where were you when 2007 began?:
Bike's barn with hannah scared of a wasp I imagine. After discovering that Robbie lived in the best house in Norwich and that fit guy was his brother.
43. Who were you with?
Bike, Jono, Ollie, Hannah, Josh Cameron, Tom Barker, Adam Collins: I'm making this up but its probably accurate
44. Where were you when 2007 ended?
At Tom Barker's before gatecrashing a houseparty.
45. Who were you with when 2007 ended?
Same people.
46. What was your favourite month of 2007?
End of may, beginning of June.
47. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2007?
Yes
48. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2007?
Somewhat.
49. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yes.
50. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2007?
I really cant remember.
51. Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
Probably.
52. Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Yes. But I probably deserved it. To some extent.
53. How much money did you spend in 2007?
A vast amount. Over £5000
54. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2007 and change what?
Eight's head evening. Less on the alc, more on the morals. But what's done is done although you may have noticed that I'm still sad about it.
current mood:  melancholy
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 26th, 2007
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12:56 am - not empty. but ready. and not 15 anymore.
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What am I doing on livejournal at this time of night when I have to get up for work that isnt even work because I dont do any, at 7 tomorrow..? Waiting for an episode of The L Word to download. Today I reached a new level. Chocolate eating and ball dress wearing and not crying were needed. Did the 'stuff swap' with Lisa and said goodbye which may or may not be a significan goodbye. What really upset me was my own patheticness and how I seem to tell people I meet the worst things about me almost straight away, not letting them have time to form their own opinions of me, a present time me rather than the past that I seem to always dwell on. my pesimistic paranoia is the one thing that really drags me down, into the vicious circle of paranoia brought on by my own paranoid ramblings. no wonder I feel I have no friends if I'm so pathetic all the time. In fact I'm a bloody sociable person who likes nothing more than to talk to stangers for hours on end and to be surrounded by people to talk to... but I'm shooting myself in the foot almost every day. I dont know how it got to this, but it needs to change. carpe diem, and ive got to bloody well take it on board for once. I can keep saying thngs to myself as I get a head rush from typing too fast, faster than I could ever write in my notebook.. but its not going to help me unless I get out there in the world and live my fucking life properly. I feel like I'm turning a corner finally. I dont need Lisa or anyone else to make me feel alive,..,I'm much more alive on my own when I can concentrate on what I want to do and what I want to think and feel and experiance on a day to day basis. The fact that I dont fancy anyone or want to spend significant time with anyone of the opposite or same sex is not an issue. this is just me. as me should be. and this is where I stop typing so fast and breathe.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
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2:02 am - Cos I've had too much coffee
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1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?:
Lived in my own house. Went to Spain. Got my ears pierced. Stopped being a teenager. Failed an exam (or two). Went to Hungary. Went to a strip club. Wore skinny jeans (only twice). Went down the Henley course. Kissed someone shorter than me. Saw Madness.
2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?:
I kept them to some extent and I will be making the same ones I make most years.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?:
No. Except my GP tutor.. but I dont know if he counts as close. And it was his wife anyway.
4. Did anyone close to you die?:
No. Although my friend/stalker did try to.
5. What countries did you visit?:
Hungary. Spain.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?:
A boyfriend maybe. Or some motivation. Or passion.
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?:
Its all a bit of a blur at the moment
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?:
Making it through my first year of med school. Eventually. After so many people not having faith in me for so long.
9. What was your biggest failure?:
Failing exams. And not working hard. I'm cheating myself here. I could be better but I'm just not doing it.
And not telling Ben how I felt.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?:
Of sorts.
11. What was the best thing you bought?:
No idea.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?:
Hannah's probably.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?:
Mine
14. Where did most of your money go?:
Alcohol. Gigs. Clothes. Food. Holidays. Rowing. Nothing useful.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?:
Going down to London to see Thom.
..shouldnt have bothered. twat. it was a wicked few days though.
16. What songs will always remind you of 2006?:
Heartbeats-The Knife. Over and Over-Hot Chip. Put your hands up for detroit (after the other night). Killing in the name of-RATM. Crosses-Zero 7
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i) ...happier or sadder?:
about the same but for different reasons.
ii) thinner or fatter?:
thinner.
iii) richer or poorer?:
in the grand scheme of things--->much poorer. in bank balance--->richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?:
reading. talking to people in real life. work/revision. playing music.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?:
watching tv. moaning. walking about on my own.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?:
with family, cousins, grandad. eating food. laughing at silly things and playing poker for some reason. makes a change from racing deamon I suppose.. but im better at the olde RD.
22. Did you fall in love in 2006?:
yes. sadly.
23. What were your favourite TV programs?:
HOUSE. grey's anatomy.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?:
no. infact Ive started to like alot of the people I used to hate.
25. What was the best book you read?:
I've started reading alot fo books. but havnt finished any of them as I keep moving on to the next. must really finish one cos theyre all fantastic.. Im just depriving myself of the end for masochistic reasons.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?:
that new music doesnt have to be bad. and that swedish electro-pop can actually be good. best bands would have to be the ones I've seen at J7 and skanked to all night.
27. What did you want and get?:
Lots of things. But I feel I've mostly lost them again.
28. What did you want and not get?:
A boyfriend. Although I didnt try very hard.
29. What was your favourite film of this year?:
Shortbus. Fantastic..
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?:
My 20th. Went to Cookie the night before which was a fantastic night. All my favourote people. Plus Ben. Had a house party on my bday.. lots of people--->too many people... so smoked with Jack till we past out.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?:
Ben
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?:
I've gone back to rustic hippy with a twist. No idea what the twist is though.
33. What kept you sane?:
Caotina. And coffee. And Hannah. And music.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?:
Jude Law on a tray.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?:
The crap that Israel inflicted on Lebanon. Pointless and uncalled for. Just when I'd decided I was on Israel's side..
36. Who did you miss?:
Thom. Tom. Ben. Sophie. And once.. for about two weeks.. I missed my family. Its a new thing.
37. Who was the best new person you met?:
Ben. And my housemates. I'd met them before 2006 but have only really started to know them more recently.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Tell people what you're thinking. Dont hide it. It stop you being who you are and being yourself is the main thing that matters. It will make you happy.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
40. What was your favourite moment of the year?
Our night out in barcelona. at about the point where we were in the old mans pub that look like a cupboard.
Bunker party. one of them
Cookie with Ben.
41. What was your least favourite moment of the year?
I cant pick out a specific. nothing was truly terrible.
42. Where were you when 2006 began?:
On Jono's sofa. Surrounded by people making bets on how quickly I would break my main new years resolution. Great start. It lasted until Gus if youre asking...
43. Who were you with?
Jono. Adam. Hannah. Hodge. Tom. Guy. The usual gang..
44. Where will you be when 2006 ends?
As yet I have no idea. Nor do most fo my friend. I can tell you now that its not goinbg to be at Jono's..but will probably involve the rest of the Gambian palm oil firewhisky from 2004 though. So I wont remember then next few days.
45. Who will you be with when 2006 ends?
The usual gang probably. Plus George I hope... havnt seen her for a while.
46. What was your favourite month of 2006?
June
47. Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2006?
yes
48. Did you do a lot of drugs in 2006?
much less than previous years. I'm straight now. Bloody hell.. my resolutions are to do more work. Gone are the days of drugs and laziness and music and sexual promiscuousness and talk about life and the universe and art.
I want them back.
49. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
No. ashamed is a big word..
50. What was the worst lie someone told you in 2006?
I've probably told a couple
51. Did you treat somebody badly in 2006?
Not intentionally
52. Did somebody treat you badly in 2006?
Yes, but maybe they didnt realise.
53. How much money did you spend in 2006?
Far far too much.
54. If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change what?
I wouldnt change it. Cos if I did that I'd want to change too much and live it all again with hindsight. which would never work.
55. What are your plans for 2007?
To be more alive.
current music: Heartbeats.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, December 22nd, 2006
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11:24 pm
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I do want to be a doctor
I just dont want to do any work right now
I want to be an artist and live in the country
And marry my dream hippy ska boy
And have kiddies
And be a doctor in my next life
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(comment on this)
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10:34 pm
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Yet again I'm lost. One of these days I might get bored of always being shit and make myself a map. Or at least a list. But no matter how many lists I make about my life and how to fix its issues.. i'm still lost. Bloody hell.. I thought I was over this when I was 14. Suddenly the last year's lack of motivation, optimism or much that really mattered to me, has kicked in. I generally like new starts, but I didnt use my move to Nottingham and uni as a new start.. I wrecked it by the wednesday of my first week. Still wrecked much much later. The one new year resolution that I'm actually going to wack on the internet (for me to find when procrastination sets in..I know no-one reads this, sorry if you are) is number 2 in my list of lists. "Tell people my feelings. I've got more to lose from not telling someone something than I have if I tell them and it doesnt go the way I was hoping"
Nothing could have been more obvious recently that this is not a good route to take. My best friend of many years got with the guy I'd been liking for AGES on 1st may 2005. Long time ago now. I was truly truly gutted at the time. I was there too. More there than you could realise. But I hadnt said anything and so it was fair game to her. Theyre still together but now I really like him again. And I know he doesnt dislike me. Its so annoying, of course I'm her friend and although we never see each other anymore, I still love her. She comes first and thus I will never ever alow anything to happen with her bf. Not even in 10 years time. But still.. my own irrational fear of what people will think of me once I tell them something still manages to haunt me in the stupidest ways. There's so much more to life than boys. Girls for instance. Although so much more complex. And even more in other ways. I seem to be lacking personal ambitions still.
Its in no way fair. I've been a teenager since I was nine, and now although puberty is long gone..I've still got that teenage-pointless-angst. Thank any god that at least I've got LJ to talk shit on, or any friends I've got would get bored shitless. Since I've only got 5 LJ friends I doubt any of you will read this.
but if you do.. hello. I'm being boring again.
current mood: morose
current music: We show up on raDar
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 17th, 2006
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10:21 pm
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hehehe. I passed my silly resits. Now I'm back on level with everyone else again. And I'm not the crappest.
I didnt get first class with honours and second in my year at either oxford or cambridge... but I'm no longer a failure and can have another go at being fabulous.
I'm equal again.
love it
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| Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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9:56 pm - to type, I dont know wSomething I'm about what it'l be yet.
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Argh, I've always said that live journal brings out the worst in people. Reading down I can see that its so true of me. Its perfectly acceptable for me to rant about whatever I like in my notebooks, but why online?? It may be easier and quicker to type, but aside from my many typos its just so pretentious and attention seeking. So vulgar.
Never mind that, I might as well embrace it. Apparently my mood was 'refreshed' after those exams I'd blatently failed in Jan. I'm not so sure I'd say that again, having spent the latter half of my summer inside learning about DNA editing, action potential and bloody nerves.
Saying that, I should probably get used to bloody nerves. I've got the entire brain to learn in 87 lectures next year, fantastic! I dont really know how much psychiatry has to do with the brain. I should really find out. It's always seemed to me to be the least scientific of the medical specialities, and probably why I've been the most interested in it, whatever it actually consists of. I've hardly thought about it for the last year, but talking to Jack about things for the last two days has bought it all back. I'm going to an autoimmune disease and biological therapies day thing of lectures at the N&N with Hannah tomrorrow (dont ask, voluntarily working when Ive just got out of it) but then I'm going to see if I can get a job at Hellesdon. See what a place like that does to my ambition, or whats left of it. I think its the only way I'm still going to be me and be a dr at the same time. I dont want to be surrounded by electricity and science all my life, I want to get back to the basics of the human mind and emotion. A Dr of life would be so much more interesting. Wait, isnt that a PhD?
current mood: loving the list including numb
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| Thursday, August 10th, 2006
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3:27 pm - i dont use this but...
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I have new boyfriend. of sorts. i met him in spain 3 and a half weeks ago and after a week i wanted to marry him. it wont last, cos nice things never do. i dont feel as happy as i could do cos he lives 160 miles away and ive only seen him once since. we automatically clicked, he's great, we're great. and i want him to be here now. no-one reads this but me. tom wilson could well be my life partner. mmmmmm. not fair.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
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8:38 pm - life...
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Revision...and pointless. Left it all too late. Forgot about wanting to be a doctor and have a future. Having far too much fun in the present. Hopefully they'll understand that shouting at men at 6am is far more interesting than working and not chuck me out til I've aced the resits in sept. (which if i fail any of..'termination of course' so no fun this summer... bit like last summer but without a £100 a day salary. )
current mood:  refreshed
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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9:11 am - Emails I sent but want to keep.
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These might not make complete sense since they are written for someone. But I want to keep them and poating them here will keep them safe since people dont read it except by accident.
02/09/05
Hello. Today I diagnosed myself as having Borderline Personailty
syndrome. Out of everything, I fit the most of the diagnostic requirements. But not
all. Obviuosly cos its a mental illness, there's no real need for me to
have all. I dont really have it yet, but its possible (likely) that I
could develop it if I suffered a nasty tramatic emationally thing. One of
the theories about borderline is that they have too much emotion. but i
dont, so im ok. i can be a psychatrist. You wont get this for ages, so
its more a ramable than a conversation. Its easier to type than to write in
my book, but i shall prob have to do that too. as a note of my discovery. to
be fair, it was the girl in girl,interupted that made me think of it.
which reminds me, remy STILL has my fear and loathing vid, and ollie
still has my Wall album. annoying people. but oh well.. il get them back. not
like the guy I leant £20 to. I dont think i;l see that again. I've tried
many many times. He can pay in installments if he wants. but no...
bastard.
ive got some manly gold eyeshadow. il lend it to you.
its 15.23 by this computer, which I'm sure is wrong. but no-one else has
left yet so i cant go. I've been on msn (and gaia) all afternoon, talking
to harry about stuff. so i shouldnt go first. I'm going to kill time in
London this evening. yay.
god, its five thrity. better pack up. xxx
07/09/05
You missed out the egotistical and immodest bit when you told me what
your email siad, so at least I had some surprise. If you didnt let it be known
that you dislike photos (or at least deliberatly piss them up) then
people would maybe take more of you. I took a few at reading, I might start
getting them developed soon and when I do you can scan any that are nice. the
best way to have pics is to have an egotistical and immodest play around with
a digital. i always look shit and tired in phones (or maybe thats just how
i look?) so I dont have any recent ones of me, and none that I'd want to
post on the internet for people going to nottingham to see...oopse. i just
look at pics of them instead than. yay. i feel very ill this morning. ive got
a cold and a sore throat. do you still have a sore throat? i think ive got
it now. as long as im not ill for giving blood, im ok. i think i need to
build up some more muscle too or il collapse on that monday and not make it to
the hairdressers, let alone out in the evening. maybe il eat lunch
afterwards. i weighed myself this morning (problem with living in a house with working
scales..) and i was actully 8 st. thats crap. i have no desire to waste
away. il never be able to row at uni at this rate. I used to be really
fit and now even the callouses on my hands have gone soft. not good. I done
really want my hair cut. But I havnt for ages and I prob wont again til
next summer so maybe I should make some sort of effort. I picked the expensive
hairdresser too, shes good, but now i feel i should have lots cut off to
compensate for it. You prob wont get this til this evening. but that
doesnt matter. I had a great dream last night. I took my weird asthma/hayfever
pill before going to bed...it gives you weird trippy dreams. great. well...
anyway. xxx
14/09/05
Hello. Its that time again. 16.39 and there's nothing else I really want
to do today. I havnt done much really. I didnt get here til 11.15 cos I went
to A&E this morning and had a long wait, whihc was fine. I got some time to
myself and I love hospitals. I get this weird feeling in my stomach, like
repressed excitement. My leg isnt infected, apparently. It took two
doctors to poke at it, but I think the second dr was more concerened with
deciding what type of burn it was rather than if its infected. He practicly stoped
careing once he'd worked out that I still had feeling and dint have
damaged nerves. but theres a red bit spreading underneath, that isnt a good sign.
but its ok. I'm not on antibiotics so no need for tic tacs (although my
party trick used to be being able to swallow a whole packet in one go) or
chupa chupps (which im told no longer cost 2 francs, or the equivelent,
but are now rather expensive) so thats good. A party with no drugs would have
been sad. I really want to meet Dr Michael Gossop..he wrote a damn good
book (textboook thing too) on drugs and addictions I read last year. It was
good. Its my favourite area of medicine..addiction. I'd love to end up doing
something there one day, with drugs. I know masses about different street
drugs and others and I want to know more!! (not take them though, i dont
even take pro-plus). So thats good. I've got a reallly busy week next
week. Something going on every day. id like to go out after haircut/blood
giving day on monday, since I usally miss mondays, but ive got a hep A jab the
next day in sher, and then im back to norwich for a rowing meal at old orleans
where theyre going o praise me and give me my oar and stuff. and then
back home for birthday morning (still have no idea what i want and havnt told
anybody a birthday list, so probably wont get anything in the end) and
then sort stuff for people comming over and get food/beer etc (still not sure
how many people can actually come) then clear up next day and have tickets
for mercy on the thurs but prob wont be up to going by then. then friday ive
got nothing on in the day so i can pack up my stuff (unless i go shoppin, but
might do that on the 17th) and then i want to go to a gig at the
artcentre at 8.30 and do want to go for food before. do you want to come to that? i
told hodge bout it, he might like it but its not cheap. barber luck's
playing too. he's damn cool, he gave me a tshirt (yay, but id rather have
had his cd, il have to get it this time). my mate owen from wales sent me
the cd of one fo his bands and its really very very good. part of what
made me feel sad on sunday. except mainly it was cos i wasnt sure i really
wanted to be a doctor anymore. i just want to be more and be a slacker and have
fun. i want to sit around pub benches with a pint and straggly hair, like
i did when i was really little and my parents took me with them to gigs
(they were really quite young) iwas taught to shout 'more' at bands when i was
about 2 by the singer of the band my mum played double bass in. i loved
my early childhood... anyway... yeh. so i felt sad about that, and juts
generally awful. and didnt want to go to nottingham. im going to miss the
sea. but i feel lbetter now. im going to move to south america someday
and live there for a bit, once ive learnt spanish.that will give my life some
more point to it. and going to hospital today put my right back in the
mood again. england's so boring. i dont want my life to be typical and normal.
anyway, im often told the emails i write are very very long and rambly,
so maybe i shoudl stop now and do some mroe work. if id typed slower this
would have taken up more time. but i didnt. hope your day of no work was
excellent. i think you should buy some smaller tshirts.
xxxx
15/09/05
Yep, its that time again. But I'm very tired today, so it will prob do less typing. Sorry for texting you when drunk. (or after a few bottles) but at least it was a sensible conversation. I've done very little today. I might poke around covent garden this evening for a bit, I cant be arsed to walk there, will take about an hour in total so it will cost me more. If I get bored and go to Camden then it will cost me loads more. But I'l poke around anyway and see what I could buy if I had loads of money in my current account (its all in my savings). Food in Peru resturants is nice, but i felt a bit ill after. it was probably the corona, i always feel ill after that, I should have had sol or san miguel. my last day tomorrow. yay!
just got your text. didnt realise you were working there agin after last time. silly man. bad cycling in the rain.. you cant hold un umbrella. or are they not manly anyway? at least you can have a nice hot shower. id love one but im supposed to keep my leg dry as long as i can and hot water hurts it anyway, so i had to wash my hair over the side of the bath this morning. lovely. im well bored in london now. ive got this gap of 8 days when so much stuff will go on (sat- sat) and as it draws closer i know it will also get shorter as i go trhough that week. its like the last week left of this life.. since it will be 'all change' on sunday. and im sad about that, i quite like what ive got going. its taken years and years to achieve and now im actually liking it. but ive been stuck in london instead of living that life, having to fit it all into a weekend. im looking forward to next week but its going to be really stressful instead of fun as it should be. ive got to pack and organise. ive done all the list making i possibly could. not ive just got to do it; fun.
anyway. hope youre feeling happier now. your text sounded angry and annoyed. ring up before tomrorow and find out if he's got enough work for you. or can you not do that?
at least you have a home. i just have houses.
xxxx
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| Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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2:39 pm
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I dont want to live like this. What they hell am I doing? Its all just utter shit.
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| Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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4:34 pm
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My God. no-one ever get a job in an office in London unless they really want to get deep vein thrombosis, boredom, suicidalness and the thought that you're becoming a capitslist wage slave. I hope they pay me if I'm on livejournal and forums....
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004
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9:06 pm - reasons that im worried about my sanity and psycho-active drugs:it hurts
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When numb my mind, soul and spirit follows but one thought and lifeline to a future behind.
When succumbed by some small master: All future I can see at once. All along the molecule strand. I can see everything as all.
As the Reverend Mothers use their ‘other memory’, this is my prescience.
I am a thurnog, seeing all threads at once. Occasionally they fit together and conclude. This makes me laugh. It is always followed by a terrible uneasy downfall.
I’d prefer to live without the small master of my synapses.
In charge of my own soul,
29/11/03
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8:54 pm - What is happening.....? this one's very out of date. but im posting it anyway
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Where am I going? Am I going anywhere? Can I take control of my actions? I’m my own person, but can I stand to be alone? But can I stand to be around people? I’m always uneasy. Nothing’s right. Quite often I feel like someone’s missing, someone’s supposed to be there, and they’re not. I feel as if someone’s about to walk back in the room. I’m scared of girls. I can deal with talking to them if they talk to me; I can be nice and normal. But I’d just prefer it if they were male, it would be easier. But men have the whole ‘male-bonding’ thing, which I’m not included in. That pisses me off no end, it always has. They just look at me like I shouldn’t be there, or like I’m not really there. It’s like I’m not worthy of attention. But that’s just my irrational paranoia. It’s all stupid. All of it. I think I’ve changed, but really, when I think about it; I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still exactly the same old Anna. Except now I’m marginally taller, more cunning and becoming more confidant. I’ve always been m, and kind of still cared about being something I’m not, but ignoring that and still being me. I reckon I’m still sane since I can control my actions, and my thoughts. I’m not sure why being sane’s important since I usually dismiss the whole concept as being an unrealistic idea. Sanity is just normalcy. And what is normal? And who decides? It’s all to do with society as a whole, and deviants from the norm. Which is stupid anyway, because it takes up all different kinds of people to make a society. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a community, but a group of clones. But society is no longer an actual community anyway. Not with so many ways of cutting yourself off from it all. Millions of people ‘live’ though their computer screens. Millions of people decompose mentally through drugs. True-maybe they initially were released through the drugs, but in the end it will control you. Your mind and your body. And your life.
But what is life?
And why do people wonder about it?
It’s just a period of time that we give a name, so we can speculate about what it is. Why does it matter? Is ‘living your life’ just not thinking about life in general? Or is it about taking risks?
I’m not scared of death, which is something the majority of Christians I talk to can’t understand. But then, most of their life is spent desperately trying to gain ‘eternal life’. Which makes the time spent on earth so pointless that their God giving them eternal life can hardly be a blessing. I can’t be a Christian, because I don’t believe in ‘life after death’, which is the entire basis of the religion. Because of this I’m trying to live my life to the full, but I get so annoyed with myself when I waste life. I’ve wasted so much and it’s my youth too, when I have the capabilities to do what ever I want. All the numbness is wasting time, and the paranoia and the selfish, introverted ness. It’s just stupid. I keep looking ahead to my big transformation. When I suddenly become pretty and successful and hardworking and happy. But it won’t happen. That’s someone else, I’m just me, and I’ll always be me. With the same ideas and the same thoughts in my head.
Ramble: 27th August 2003 pm.
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8:44 pm - has anyone else got gender issues?
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Has anyone else got gender issues?
I don’t like being fixed to one.
I have a love/hate relationship with penises. Sometimes they disgust me so much that I think that it’s rank that I’ve had one inside me, or even in my moth. Then I’ll dream that I have one and wake up feeling really aroused.
I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’ll be proud of my boobs and hips one moment, then I’ll go to the gym and get off on seeing my muscles flex, and the curve of them…
I like my men camp, feminine, in dresses, with long hair, eyeliner…but with penises. Although I don’t like penises… I feel attracted to girls, but not all girls. Not like I’m attracted to nearly all men. I can close my eyes and be attracted to nearly anything male. But I’m scared of women. Strange to think that I’ve only ever kissed them when I’ve been drunk. And they’ve usually been my friends already. But I’ve been in love with two girls. For ages. I do that…and I never act on it. I don’t know how to get close to girls.
I once lay by the side of one girl for the whole night just holding her hand. For about 4 hours we were stroking and tickling each other’s hands, and then stomachs. I tried to get through her belt. But I couldn’t. But at the same time I was worried about what I’d find there. We didn’t talk about it afterwards, but she remembered it when I bought it up once in the pub. And once we were very drunk and all over each other. Or I was on her. I don’t remember much of it. But I’ve been told I tried to finger her (for want of a better word). Tried – didn’t get there. She doesn’t want me like that. I don’t know what she wants. Not me.
And the guy I lost my virginity to. We dressed him up the night before. In skirt, fishnets and top. He is (or was) obsessed with eyeliner. I wanted him so much right then. But the other guy wouldn’t allow it. Had to wait til the next afternoon. Neither of us much in the mood. Wasn’t very good, and I think he was a bit upset at losing his virginity, judging from his later lyrics ‘lost virginity, so unpure’. But that might have been coincidence…. But although I didn’t love him. I was glad that I first had sex with him. Although I hardly knew him and we weren’t close. He was my ideal. Another with gender issues.
I’ve always had a strong sense of empathy for transsexuals, or men who feel confused, or want to be girls. Ok…so it really turns me on seeing men in skirts – so I do like transvestites. But confused people and transsexual-feeling-people stimulate the empathy.
I don’t want to be a man. That would go against all feminist ideals in my mind. I love being a woman. But I’m not sure what I am now. I’m not the most feminine minded person. But I’ll never be male. I don’t have the confidence of male bonding, the humour and the physical strength (I’ve watched boys a lot…). I’ve been thinking about sex since I was about 5 and first found out about it. But I had pleasures of my own before then. As I’m sure many will agree – the best sex is with myself… But I want to be free from gender, not confined in physical ways, cultural ways and emotional ways. I want to be unisex.
I’ve talked to other people about similar things to this. In real life, on Gaia, in my mind. I know I’m not the only one…
Sometimes I’m not sure that I’m even attracted to women, especially straight women. I just feel like I’m envious of their looks, not attracted to them. I’m usually only attracted to people I know. Not models, actors, or strangers. I also tend to only be attracted to girls who are bi or lesbian. I’m not sure why. I’m 17. I’ve been thinking about things like this for nearly 13 years. I shouldn’t be confused still. All my friends know me as being bi. But…I think there’s more to it.
Also – I really like Nancy Boy by Placebo. The whole ‘role reversal’ thing sounds brilliant. I wish it were that easy…
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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6:34 pm - Life and Love and crap like that.
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Some people tell me that they believe in 'love at first sight'. I think thats terrible. To give your heart and love to someone purely by their looks alone? Because if it's at first sight..then you really wont even know the person. 'Love at first conversation' might be more realisitic. I 'believe' in that. (But then my beliefs are a bit strange. I dont believe in life after death, violence in any form, or genders;which is weird because I know that genders do exist, I just dont believe in them.) I havnt loved my boyfriend since I met him. It was certainly lust at first sight, but 3 days after I met him, I really did think he was going to rape me....although I probably would have consented. I think I was more of an induced paranoia. What it was induced by..maybe you can guess..maybe you cant. But then I dont reckon anyone will even read this entry, so itoesnt really matter.
But I do love my boyfriend now. But Im losing him because I cant show him how I love him. Im just numb and apathic. Even when im with him, he doesnt feel wanted and loved. He cant deal with this. He loves me and he wants to know that I love him,because hes even more paranoid than I am. But how can i show him I love him? Ive deadend all my emotions, i rarely show my true emotions anymore; it just leads to being squashed and trodden on. But the wierd thing is..I havnt needed to hide inside myself since I became free just over 2 years ago, on the 8th Jan 2002, aged 15. Maybe 15 is too late an age to suddenly not need to hide, after hiding so long. I dont know. All I know is that now I cant do it..I cant feel, or I can, but I cant feel for other people, despite wanting to. I love other people, as friends, Im fully capable of some kind of love, but I have no real need for anyone. I say that..but i do..Im desperate for someone, and Ive found that person, i think, but now im going to lose them because of my own self-made armour that i built long ago. It does still come into use though..especially at home with my mum, home life would be pretty hellish without somewhere to hide. I need to stop living in fear. I need to stop just talking to myself about things. Thats why maybe Il try and get some friends of mine to read this..so it wont be really talking to myself (who am i kidding..it is). I need to tell the truth, to others and to myself. I cant hide in stories of my own imagination. (and my imagination is failing. I have to ambition or imagination anymore, how sad) I need to remember the Litany Against Fear (see the 'Dune' books by Frank Herbert-if youve got some time to spend, they take abit of reading, and thinking)
A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.
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3:06 pm - New Account
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I felt I needed a new account. Now I have my actual name. (well my alter-ego's name, but thats the one I tend to use on the internet). hmm. I'm going to cut and copy my few past posts. Since this is me now.
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